


On a train heading west of nowhere special

by lightly



Category: Supernatural RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-30
Updated: 2011-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:09:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightly/pseuds/lightly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It happened quickly, all of sudden, all at once.  And yet it was always there right in the back of his mind, this half-formed feeling set on a steady slow burn to fucked-up-ville.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On a train heading west of nowhere special

On a train heading west of nowhere special

 

 

It happened quickly, all of sudden, all at once. And yet it was always there right in the back of his mind, this half-formed feeling set on a steady slow burn to fucked-up-ville. And that’s where Jensen found himself; he was suddenly, completely, but not unexpectedly fucked.

He should have seen it coming the first time Jared smiled at him. Maybe he did and he just didn’t care.

It was sort of like, no, it was _exactly_ like that scene in _Clueless_. You know, the one where the heroine has her love-filled epiphany and then proceeds to be as awkward as all hell around said love interest.

Yeah, that’s pretty much how it went for Jensen, though you could strike the little pop-tart hanging off Jared’s every smile and making Jensen all jealous out of the equation. There was none of that, just a slight touch, a gentle, accidental brushing of skin against skin and a smile that was all dimples and Texas sunshine and all of a sudden Jensen could see the direction he’d been heading for a year and a half. It was a nothing moment, there were no sirens heralding the coming storm and they’d been doing nothing more than hanging out the same as they had done every other day. But it wasn’t just like every other day; every other day Jensen didn’t have a heard of butterflies dancing a hot-blooded polka in his stomach.

“Hey, Jen are you okay?”

“’m fine, Jay.”

Yup, fine. Totally and completely, absolutely fine.

 

ǀǀ

 

Problem is, Jensen had never…well, let’s just say that men were uncharted territory. Save for a few drunken fumbles and some really bad blowjobs at half-remembered parties.

Not to mention that he had no idea how Jared felt. Not just about Jensen, but about going there with a guy in general. Jared had a beautiful, vibrant little rocket-full-of-fun for a girlfriend, and so far, no obvious predilection for cock. There may have been a few exuberant public displays of affection, but seriously, give Jared a beer and he was anybody's.

Jensen knew they were friends, good friends, best of. Jensen knew that he could talk to Jared about anything, well almost anything. Jensen wasn't sure how to broach the subject of “Hey, I’d really like you to put your dick in me.” Though Jensen was sure he would phrase it better than that, but only if by some miracle he could actually say anything resembling words at all.

And that wasn't likely.

 

ǀǀ

 

“So Sandy and I broke up.” Jared said the words slowly like he couldn’t really believe them; they weren’t real, they weren’t there. Then Jared huffed out a sigh and sort of slumped lower in his seat, deflated, like he was a giant blow-up doll!Jared and the world had just burst him. Jensen didn’t say anything; just listened to Jared mumble. The words weren’t coherent, weren’t anything more than a drunk-fuelled ramble, but Jensen listened to it all, handed Jared another beer and took his seat next to his friend. Jensen wanted to ask a shit-load of questions: Were he and Sandy still going to be friends? Was there someone else? Who broke up with whom? But he didn’t ask any of them; he just sat there and let Jared talk himself out.

“It’s going to be okay,” Jensen said once Jared had quietened.

Jared sniffed, pulled his shirtsleeve over his hand and wiped his nose with it. The look he gave Jensen spoke volumes about how convinced he was about the ‘going to be okay’ thing.

“Eventually,” Jensen amended, patting Jared on the shoulder.

Jared snorted. “Yeah, that’s what they all say.” Jared tried to sit up, but Jensen's beat-up old sofa seemed intent on swallowing Jared whole and Jared gave up fighting it. “But right now it feels like the world just ended.”

“Yeah, I know.” _I’m sorry; I wish I could make it better for you_. The words Jensen really wanted to say just up and died on his tongue, which was a good thing because of course right now would be the best time to say “Hi Jared I love you, in the more-than-friendly way.”

There was silence for a while after that. Jared drank his beer and then finished Jensen’s when Jensen offered it to him. Jensen just picked the label off the empty bottle while the world darkened around them. The early evening dusk slipped into late evening darkness and Jensen couldn’t be bothered to reach over and click on the light.

“I broke up with her,” Jared said eventually, and if Jensen had been drinking anything right then he would have choked on it. “So if I’m the bad guy, why does it feel like my still-beating heart has been ripped out of my chest, shredded and then stomped on?”

“’Cause you’re you, Jay,” Jensen said. Jared turned around to look at him and even through the shadows Jensen could see the lost look in Jared’s eyes. “And dude, graphic much?”

Jared laughed. It was a small, stuttering sound, but it was a laugh.

Then they both got completely, stinking and (in the morning) painfully drunk. Eventually most of Jensen unasked questions were answered. Jared never was good with silence, looking to fill it whenever he could even with complete bullshit. So Jared talked and Jensen listened.

Yes, there was someone else, for both of them. Jared was tight-lipped about who his someone else was, just as he was tight-lipped about Sandy’s soon-to-be significant other. None of that mattered.

“If I broke up with her,” Jared slurred, his words blending into each other, “and she agreed…does that make it mutual?” He mangled the last part of his sentence, his drunk-buzzed tongue unable to wrap itself around the syllables.

“I really don’t think it matters, Jare.”

Jared nodded and sucked in a shaky breath and for a split-second, Jensen was hit with the urge to reach out and wipe at the tear forming in the corner of Jared’s eye. His hand was already halfway there when he caught himself and realized that would be a bad touch, or at least very inappropriate. So he settled for a manly pat on the shoulder, again.

“More beer?” Jensen asked, staggering to his feet.

“Please.”

 

ǀǀ

 

The next morning Jensen woke with Jared’s face in his crotch. That was unexpected. It took Jensen a good few minutes to realize where he was, what he had been doing, and why Jared’s head was in his lap.

He was on his couch.

They got blind drunk.

Jared passed out and face-planted himself, thankfully, somewhere soft (well, soft-ish).

Okay then, Jensen thought and he tried to shift himself out from underneath Jared, carefully, so as not to wake him, because if Jared woke up now he would get nothing but a face full of Jensen’s morning wood.

After visiting the bathroom and relieving himself in a few ways, Jensen thought about making some breakfast. His stomach roiled violently at the barest hint of a suggestion of food and so he decided against it. When he returned to where he’d left Jared he found his friend awake and as bright-eyed as Jensen was bleary.

“I hate you,” Jensen said, throwing himself onto the sofa next to Jared. Jensen’s stomach and head protested at this bitch of a movement. “Don’t you get hung over?”

Jared’s smile was blinding and Jensen scowled.

“Not even a little bit, old man,” Jared said as he hauled himself to his feet. “I gotta get going.” He turned toward the door. “Thanks for last night.”

“Whatever. Now fuck off and leave me to suffer in peace.”

Jensen closed his eyes and felt the world spin around him, his stomach churned again and his head pounded with a muzzy, unfocused rhythm. When Jensen opened his eyes again there was a glass of ice-cold water by his feet, and Jared was gone.

 

ǀǀ

 

Going back to this whole awkward thing, most times it wasn’t. Realizing he was in love with his friend, co-star, Siamese (whoops) conjoined twin wasn’t that bad. Most of the time it was like this empty ache in the back of his heart, a dull, unacknowledged throb. But then there were times when his feeling would catch him off guard. Stupid inconvenient times, like when they were shooting and Jared would slip out of character for just a moment. For just the barest slip of a second Sam would be Jared and Jared would smile and Jensen/Dean’s heart would stutter in his chest and that little voice in his head would say “You can’t have him.”

Other than those moments Jensen was living with his unrequited crush just fine.

(‘Cept for the fact that he wasn’t.)

He was snippy and snappish and standoffish and a bitch of a guy to be around most days.

“You’re being a complete fucktard, you know that?” Mike told him.

“Can’t help it,” Jensen shot back, all sullen and defiant.

“Go out and get yourself well and fucking truly laid. That’ll help you just fine.”

Whatever.

 

ǀǀ

 

“What the fuck is your problem, Jen?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Bull and shit.”

“Leave it Jared, I’m not in the mood.”

“Jensen…”

Jared had this way of looking sincere, understanding and pissed as all hell all at the same time.

“You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right?”

“Not quite, Jay,” Jensen said softly.

“Didn’t catch that.”

“I said, I know. Thanks, man.”

 

ǀǀ

 

Jared kissed him. Jared kissed him and Jensen was so surprised that at first he thought he'd imagined it. He had been imagining it for months, so he thought he was half-immersed in a daydream when Jared threw open the door of Jensen’s trailer, stalked in, pushed Jensen backward until his butt hit the kitchenette counter, and lightly, oh so lightly, pressed his lips against Jensen’s.

Jensen was stunned.

It took a full five minutes for his brain to kick into gear and process what had happened. By the time he was able to form words, or at least vowel sounds, Jared had stammered his apologies and fled.

 

ǀǀ

 

They didn’t talk about it, which went a long way toward Jensen thinking he had dreamed it all.

They didn’t talk about it for a while.

Not until Jared kissed him again. This time in Jared’s apartment, surrounded by boxes and packing crates that Jensen had been helping Jared assemble in preparation for his move. The second kiss was harder, more desperate. Jared clung to Jensen like he was his lifeline, like if he let go then the world and everything in it would just float away. Jensen was happy – if slightly uncomfortable – to let himself be crushed into Jared’s embrace. For the minute they were locked together it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

They had been talking, well, goofing off was more like it. Or at least Jared had been goofing off, throwing bits of polystyrene packing material at Jensen’s head and laughing when they fell pathetically short of even getting near Jensen. Jared’s dogs had been padding around, restless and unhappy at the disruption around them; they'd poked their heads into boxes, upturning some and walking over others until Jared had coaxed them into the spare room with some treats and shut the door on them.

“Sorry guys,” Jared had said, resting his head on the closed door. “You’ll forgive me in a few days when you have a yard to mooch around in.”

It was a nothing moment, the one that preceded the kiss. Jensen stood to ease the cramp in his legs, though he quickly found that his legs weren’t just cramped, they were halfway to numb, and he tumbled back to the floor. Or at least he would have if Jared hadn’t caught hold of his arm and pulled him upright, gripping Jensen’s shoulder to steady him.

“Thanks, Jay,” Jensen said. After a few seconds Jensen found his feet again and pushed Jared away. But Jared didn’t let go. Instead his fingers curled around the folds of Jensen’s shirt. “Jared?” Jensen’s heart hammered in his chest as Jared maintained an intense eye contact. “You, okay?” Jensen was going to add ‘because you seem a little out of it’ to the end of that question, but he couldn’t because that’s when Jared kissed him, hard and fast and desperate. Jared’s hand moved up to cradle Jensen’s head, the other hand maintaining a death grip on Jensen’s shirt. For a tiny fraction of time, everything was perfect.

And then it was awkward. Because in real life, where Jensen unfortunately lived, things don’t just fall into an easy grace after epic events like kissing your best friend.

Real life just likes to kick you in the balls.

Jensen’s world was a helter-skelter tilt-a-whirl, and it didn’t stop spinning once Jared had let go of him. He only kept his feet by sheer force of will; he wasn’t sure his senses could take Jared’s steadying hands again.

“I…” Jared stuttered. “I have…I don’t…Oh god, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

Jensen didn’t say anything; he wasn’t sure he could trust his voice to come out as anything other than a squeak. So he stood there, one hand on the wall – afraid that if he let go his traitorous legs would give out again – and just started at Jared open-mouthed.

“Oh man, I shit…shit, I just…shit.” Jared raked a hand through his hair and then thumped the wall. Jensen started at the sudden burst of violence but couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jared’s face, Jared’s lips – still kiss-swollen and flushed.

Jared kept on stammering, talking incomplete sentences that added up to nothing. Jensen would have found a speechless Jared comical if it wasn’t so disturbingly unusual.

“I thought,” Jared said. He swallowed, carded a hand though his hair again and looked to be gathering himself together. “I thought, I thought you. A while back there I thought, shit.”

Jensen smiled. Somehow a tongue-twisted and unsure Jared made Jensen feel less than tongue-twisted and less than unsure.

“I thought maybe you wanted me, shit, I shouldn’t think. God, I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

 

ǀǀ

 

The thing is, when you open a set of floodgates you have no control after that. You’re left at the mercy of the torrents of whatever comes flooding out: you can sink, you can swim, or you can get swept away.

 

ǀǀ

 

They ordered take out. Jared let the dogs out of the spare room and he and Jensen sat among the boxes and the few leftover unpacked possessions and ate. Jared slurped at his noodles, slopping a mess of them down his shirt. Jensen laughed, throwing his head back and almost upending his own carton of food. It was easy, uncomplicated. and just like every other day and time they had hung out.

“So,” Jared said once Jensen had calmed down. The calming-down had taken a while; Jensen’s burst of laugher has taken a maniacal turn bordering slightly on hysteria because it took that amount of time for the kiss to really sink in. Jared had kissed him. Jared had kissed him, shit, Jared had kissed him. Jensen set his food to one side, placing it on a precariously stacked pile of boxes, looked at Jared, and absently rubbed at his thigh.

“So.”

That had been the apex of their conversation thus far.

“You’re into me, huh?” Jared said and then he smiled so wide and bright that it obscured his dimples. Then it faltered and faded into a tentative hopefulness. And that was just about all Jensen could take. He knocked over the stack of boxes in his haste to get to Jared; there was a small crunch as one box hit the floor but neither of them had time to worry about it because there were hands, Jared’s hands, strong and sure and there and touching him.

Things began to blur, things began to heat up. Then things began to go south.

Jensen was used to making all or at least most of the moves: once he’d found his sexual feet he’d talked his way into the bed of many a girl. The flash of a smile and crook of the finger, and he could have whatever way he wanted.

But this, this was Jared and this was different and this could fuck things up beyond the telling. And suddenly he felt like a virgin on prom night.

Well, half of that was true.

 

ǀǀ

 

“Jared.”

“Yeah?”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“I need, I need to tell you…”

Jared stilled, his hand on the zipper of Jensen’s jeans, his mouth achingly close to Jensen’s neck, his lips barely brushing skin. Jensen grabbed Jared’s wrist and pulled it away. He grabbed a little harder than he meant to and Jared hissed. The flash of hurt in Jared’s eyes was just enough to kill Jensen’s burgeoning erection.

Jared moved back, wrapped his arms around himself and nodded.

“Okay, this is moving to fast, I get that.”

“No, Jay, it’s not like that, it’s…” Oh, how much did he not want to have this conversation? Jensen reached out a hand for Jared, to grab his shirt, to touch him, to pull him close. Jared moved further out of reach. “It’s just that I, well I’ve…oh fuck it.”

Jared blinked back his confusion, Jensen shifted uncomfortably in his makeshift seat of cardboard.

Then Jared understood.

 

ǀǀ

 

“Jensen?” Jared started. There was no derisiveness in Jared’s voice, a slight shock maybe a hint of surprise, but nothing that could be laughter. Yet. “Are you trying to tell me you’re a virgin?”

No. Yes. Okay, maybe when Jared said it like that, so damn accepting and not condescending, it sounded a bit ridiculous.

“It’s not like I’m completely...” Jensen stopped; stuttering over his search for the right word. He wasn’t a virgin, not in the literal sense. “-inexperienced, I’ve done things, lots of things, lots and lots of things, I’ve just never…you know done that.” The words came out in a babble-filled rush and Jensen knew that Jared had to know he was talking complete bullshit. There was part of him, a really tiny part, that thought he might feel better once the words were, you know, out there. But he didn’t. The confession sort of hung in the hair, the words weighted with an awkward concern he hadn’t felt since he fumbled his way into Jenny Potter’s panties back in the summer of his last year in high school.

There was silence, a long, long silence. Jared just sort of looked at him, head cocked slightly to one side, like he was sizing up a museum oddity. And yeah, that was making Jensen feel just great.

Then the humming started. Jensen was too dumfounded to recognize it at first: it started as a low, tuneless rumble in the back of Jared’s throat, almost like a purr before Jared found his rhythm.

“You fucker, that’s not even a little funny,” Jensen groused. Jared just smiled, a slow, easy, devastating smile and his tune picked up and he started to sing.

“-oh I would do anything for love but I won’t do…ow hey!”

Jensen hit Jared. Hard. Or at least that was his intention, but his deadly blow was coming from an awkward angle and it barely glanced off Jared’s upper arm. Jared just smiled again and gave out a half-hearted retaliatory swipe, also missing.

“Not funny,” Jensen said again. He fought the urge to cross his arms over his chest and pout like a petulant child. It took some effort; it was a strong urge.

“It’s a little funny.”

“Fuck off.”

They sat there in an awkward silence for a while. Well, for Jensen it was awkward; Jared just sat and smiled, lazily running a hand over Jensen’s calf.

“It’s okay, you know,” Jared said. Jensen couldn’t even look him in the eye. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”

“Hey, I’ve…started.”

“Whatever, man, you know.”

“You are such a fucking dick.”

Jensen tried to relax and ease into Jared’s touch; just about everything was on the table now, almost everything.

“So…” Jensen coughed and shifted again. Jared stopped the slow movement of his hand and waited, but Jensen didn’t continue.

“What do we do now?”

Jensen shrugged and picked at the fraying denim of his jeans. Again he couldn’t bring himself to look Jared in the eye.

“We stop.”

“Stop what?” Jensen’s heart thudded in his chest. _No no no no._

“Thinking.”

 

ǀǀ

 

And that was it.

 

ǀǀ

 

Jared had it in his head that he was going to talk Jensen through it.

“I know where everything goes, moron.”

But Jared was intent on not listening to him and after a while Jensen found he didn’t mind. Jared’s voice was a dirty roar, a soft rumble of affection that breathed over Jensen’s skin.

“I want you to relax for me,” Jared said softly, his hands memorizing every inch of Jensen. Jensen briefly wondered how and when they got naked, then he decided he didn’t care.

Relax? That was easy for Jared to say. Every fibre of Jensen vibrated with tension, he felt like he would go mad if Jared didn’t stop just touching him and started _touching_ him.

“Shhh.” Jared soothed, brushing his fingers over Jensen’s back. “It’s okay. Lie down.”

The floor was rough; Jared’s carpet had been well-worn when he'd moved into this apartment, and now it was threadbare at best. They could have gone to Jared’s bedroom - there was no bed, just a mattress Jared had caged off a neighbour (most of his furniture was at his new house). A mattress would be more comfortable than the floor, but moving would have meant stopping, if only for a minute.

Jensen lay on his back, and Jared loomed into view, big smile plastered on his face, his eyes wicked.

“Look at you Jen, so innocent,” Jared said and he sounded so serious that Jensen had to fight back a laugh. “Gonna fuck you so hard.”

“Did, I just walk into a porn movie?” Jensen asked, propping himself up on one elbow. Jared’s smile dipped, a look of disappointment filtering into his devious expression. As quick as it had appeared the disappointment flashed away again. Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen, pressing Jensen into the carpet. Jensen could feel the fibres scraping at his skin, but it didn’t matter. He’d had carpet burns many times before this.

Considering Jared’s apartment was devoid of most other things, Jensen found it only mildly surprising that Jared had the necessities still at hand. Lube, condoms: don’t leave home without ‘em.

“Been planning this, Jared?”

“Been thinking about _something._ ”

Jared kissed him again, kissed his mouth, kissed his chin, kissed down his neck. Kisses soft like butterfly wings fluttering down, down Jensen’s torso. Jensen closed his eyes and enjoyed the feel of Jared’s mouth, Jared’s tongue.

“Look at me, Jen,” Jared whispered, his breath a hot burst against Jensen’s skin. Jensen opened his eyes and looked. Jared smiled.

 

ǀǀ

 

Jared eased into Jensen with an unnatural grace. With one leg over Jared’s shoulder and Jared on his knees, it should have been uncomfortable. Jared supported most of Jensen’s weight, lifting Jensen’s butt up slightly; Jensen wasn’t sure he could keep this position for long, nor could Jared, but right then it was just about the best thing in the fucking world.

“Fuck.” Jensen hissed out the word while trying to hold onto the rest of his senses. Jared slid into him, slid out and then thrust and oh god Jensen's world started to spin, light fizzed behind his eyes, dots of pleasure intermingled with the vision of Jared. Jared never closed his eyes, never looked away, never stopped smiling his wicked smile.

 

ǀǀ

 

“So what now?” Jensen asked later. They lay together on the floor in a tangle of limbs. Jensen knew they should get up, should move, get to the damn shower. But moving seemed an impossible task, one he really didn’t want to attempt right that second.

Jared laughed and curled his fingers in Jensen’s hair. “I don’t know.”

Jensen nodded, but it was an absent gesture; Jared couldn’t see it. “This is nice,” Jensen said after a long pause.

“Don’t girl out on me, Jen.”

“Fuck you.”

“Again? Aren’t you tired?”

“Give me a minute, and then I get to fuck you.”

 

FIN.


End file.
